Lying to Myself

Lying to Myself
I wonder how you are
I wonder what you’re thinking
Because no matter what I do you’re on my mind
Thought I moved past all this guess not
I’m hoping to see you someday and when I do
I hope I know what all this means
I thought I pushed you out of my system
I thought I moved on then dreams or a text out of the blue
Brought you to my mind plus happy moments
What do I feel for you?
I honestly don’t know
I once was head over heels now no clue
Probably won’t know until I see you again
I keep telling myself it’s not what I felt before
We won’t work
I am over failed relationships
Only time will tell


I was Right

I was right
You made me think I was crazy
Maybe it was all in my head
I could tell something was going on
How could a grown man turn to a teenager?
She was my sister
Why couldn’t you of fucked someone else
What you did changed me
Damaged me
I lost trust in men
In myself
I blamed myself
I felt like I wasn’t good enough
Every guy I dated after you I was afraid he would turn to my sister like you did
How could you hurt me like that?
How could you do that to her she was a child
I took you back believing your lies
Wasted so many years
If I knew you did that I wouldn’t have took you back
I wish I listened
I am no longer hurt just mad at myself
How could I have loved someone like that?
Next relationship I will be smarter
I have self-esteem now and I know I deserve more
I don’t deserve someone who doesn’t value me
I don’t deserve to be treated the way you treated me



Not many people understand how hard it is when you don’t even accept yourself so If you can’t accept yourself how can anyone accept you? Kinda like the saying of you don’t love yourself how can you love anyone else? I guess I use to argue that because I didn’t think that mattered but I learned real fast.I was always thin I never knew what the word fat stood for and I had kids young and I let myself go and I learned not only what fat meant but what Obese meant and I didn’t like it. I needed a wake up call to get my rear in gear and anyone who has let themselves go understand its hard to start and Once you get going keeping a routine is crucial or you will fail trust me I know, I got so heavy I was almost 400lbs. I have been in this Journey for 10 years and I feel like I haven’t accomplished it because I fall off the wagon or get pregnant and it’s hard to get back to it.I lost 161 before getting pg in 2013. I was so happy I was only 100lbs away from reaching my goal luckily I only gained 38lbs that pregnancy but I gained everything I lost after I stopped Breastfeeding now I am big again and it’s Unacceptable So I am getting back on the wagon and making a routine and not giving up until I reach my goal.